about my unhealthy mindset
Soooo I'm back again on blogger, with some feelings to spew out. I'm not very good at talking about what's going through my head in a coherent manner, so I'll try to do my best to express everything I want to talk about as clearly as possible.
So this is what I realized recently through a rather deep and emotional conversation with my boyfriend - my insecurities are still out of control. I've known my whole life that I feel insecure about myself, but I didn't know exactly why I felt so insecure - where was the insecurity coming from? I think it all started off in elementary school, when I realized that my friends were looking down on me for being too quiet, obedient, nice, and unable to stand up for myself. Everything blew up in 6th grade in middle school when I said "no" for the first time to a friend's request - before then, I had never said "no." This obviously pissed my friend off, and dragging my other friend into the mess, I had lost two friends and was completely alone. This got so messy that both of our moms got involved, and they would argue over the phone for hours. Eventually, both our dads heard about what was happening, and while my friend's dad probably stood up for his daughter and didn't reprimand her in any sort of way, my dad got furious with me. He yelled at me demanding why I could not stand up for myself, why I let someone look down at me like that. I remember crying a lot in silence, and only broke it when my dad left the room - I asked my mom whether I should go commit suicide. Because Dad surely wouldn't want such a weak daughter like me right?
That incident was when I realized that I desperately wanted to become a stronger person. A stronger person who wouldn't be taken advantage of, or looked down upon. So I worked really hard to become such a person. But it didn't work out very well in the beginning - I couldn't speak up for myself, and when I tried to approach someone to become friends, they either ignored my presence, outwardly spoke about how annoyed they were with me (despite me not having done anything), only talked to me to ask me to help them with schoolwork, etc. I still remember one time in class when a girl I was uncomfortable with kept trying to talk to me, I tried to sit away from her by sitting next to another girl I knew - and the girl just glared at me and asked, "Why are you sitting here?" I was so taken back that I couldn't say anything.
(Wow this is turning out to be a rant of all the bad memories I have starting in middle school lol...you may think "Wow, why are you still caring about something that happened in middle school? Everyone was immature then, stop making a big deal out of it" ...but if my memories back then are so vivid that whenever I think about them I feel somewhat bitter, then I think it means a lot in that I was really hurt back then.)
So I guess starting around that time, I had developed a fear of being judged and alone. The fear was strong enough in that I started crying when a girl in high school suddenly started ignoring me for no reason. It might've been a reaction out of a trauma I guess - because the girl in middle school who got pissed at me for refusing to do a favor for her, stopped talking to me altogether the next day. I guess I just really wanted friends I could believe in, who would stay by my side. This was around the first time I fell for a douchebag and had him play around with me even though he had no romantic feelings whatsoever about me. So I guess it was only natural that I started shutting myself off from everyone, and I barely talked to anyone other than my small, close group of friends. I think it got worse when people I started talking to in high school would suddenly start avoiding me and stop talking to me for no reason. I guess they found me annoying and boring? Which is entirely possible because it's only natural for people to not want to associate themselves with you if you fall under that category of "annoying" and "boring" right?
And since I'm just ranting about all these specific bad memories, I might as well include another one for the hell of it. I remember back in high school in Chinese class, I worked with these two girls for a oral presentation, and I don't remember exactly why they were feeling so damn insecure about their grades, because they were ranting at me how I'm such a teacher's pet and how I better not get a better grade than them - "You know your pronounciation sucks right?" Sigh. I was pretty annoyed inside, but I decided not to say anything to their bitter ass words. But those moments were one of the moments that made me lose trust in those two even further. So I guess it was pretty funny when those two started realizing over the years of high school that I'm actually a decent and genuine person, because they started being nicer to me, and even covering up for me when I almost got into trouble for being late to the class.
I think I only became stronger and more independent in...probably junior year of high school. That's probably when I realized these shitty people were not worth my time. Although I still somewhat had feelings for the douchebag, I started having less expectations regarding him. I started talking much less to the girls in my Chinese class, and only spoke when they spoke to me. Senior year was probably the best year of high school hands down. People were actually nice to me!! Wow!! Although there were a few nasty people here and there, the people who were nasty to me in the past actually started covering up for me?? Wow. And my expectations for that douchebag had hit a new low, so that was great. And I finally started to realize how to defend myself, and how to stay away from those who tried to take advantage of me.
But the problem was, because people kept disappointing me, I had shut myself off from them for most of the time period there, and I ended up rarely speaking or socializing. So I was very prone to judging people heavily in the extremes based on my observations, and I became a very passive-aggressive person. So when I came to college, my inability to open up to people and to socialize was still a problem. I was scared of people judging me and stepping over me again like back in high school. And my passive-aggressiveness became an issue and made my relations with my first roommate in college bad.
I eventually realized there was a problem in myself. There was no way people would want to be friends with me or be comfortable around me if I was this passive-aggressive, or if I let this negativity of mine show up. So when I developed this new-found determination to meet new people in the second quarter of my second year, I decided to be as positive as possible - smiling as much as possible, laughing as much as possible, trying to talk as much as possible. Thanks to that, I was able to meet a lot of new people, and all of them were very nice and genuine. The kind of people I was desperate to meet since I was little. As I started associating myself more with them (aka Photo Club!!), I became better at socializing and opening up to people. I was starting to become a better person. I was starting to grow out of my past, and no longer be the negative and passive-aggressive individual I was back then.
But here was the problem. Because I was so obsessed with becoming a better person, I eventually developed a fear of not becoming better. Of being stuck as my negative past self. I also developed a hatred for my past self. My past was holding me back from being able to be happy in the present. Whenever I felt myself not being able to feel included in social situations, I got anxious. Whenever I felt like I couldn't connect with someone I wanted to feel connected to, I got anxious.Whenever I felt like my present self was starting to reflect my past self again, I got anxious.
So when my boyfriend gave me the same advice he gave me earlier about how I can't be scared of opening up when I'm not even making the effort to- it made me feel as if I had made no improvements. I was still the same shitty individual in the past. I think that triggered something in me - and led me to last out at him, and made me realize that I had a fear of not being able to become a better person.
I also realized how ironic of me it was that I had a tendency to jump to conclusions based on negative impressions of people alone. As if I was some perfect god who had such a healthy mindset and had no flaws at all whatsoever. What was even more ironic was when I would see socially awkward and reserved people and judge them negatively - even though I was someone like that before. Why was I so judgemental, when I used to be so afraid of being judged by others? I had wanted people to approach me in a friendly and warm manner and stay with me and not judge me - I was someone who wanted that, so why was I judging people negatively and not striving to be someone who the past me needed so badly?
I am such an ugly, ugly person, and it all stems from my insecurities about me. As long as my insecurities are there, I will continue to be such an ugly person. So I really need to reduce them to a minimum. I don't know how, but I guess as long as I work towards reducing those insecurities, I will be on the right track.
Whew, that was a super long rant. A disorganized one at that, too. But this was for me, and not for anyone else. As long as I feel at least a little bit better after writing all those words, it's okay.
Additional note - as I was thinking back to my past, I thought this song was very fitting for my situation at the time haha, and I probably needed the attitude San E has in this song :P
So this is what I realized recently through a rather deep and emotional conversation with my boyfriend - my insecurities are still out of control. I've known my whole life that I feel insecure about myself, but I didn't know exactly why I felt so insecure - where was the insecurity coming from? I think it all started off in elementary school, when I realized that my friends were looking down on me for being too quiet, obedient, nice, and unable to stand up for myself. Everything blew up in 6th grade in middle school when I said "no" for the first time to a friend's request - before then, I had never said "no." This obviously pissed my friend off, and dragging my other friend into the mess, I had lost two friends and was completely alone. This got so messy that both of our moms got involved, and they would argue over the phone for hours. Eventually, both our dads heard about what was happening, and while my friend's dad probably stood up for his daughter and didn't reprimand her in any sort of way, my dad got furious with me. He yelled at me demanding why I could not stand up for myself, why I let someone look down at me like that. I remember crying a lot in silence, and only broke it when my dad left the room - I asked my mom whether I should go commit suicide. Because Dad surely wouldn't want such a weak daughter like me right?
That incident was when I realized that I desperately wanted to become a stronger person. A stronger person who wouldn't be taken advantage of, or looked down upon. So I worked really hard to become such a person. But it didn't work out very well in the beginning - I couldn't speak up for myself, and when I tried to approach someone to become friends, they either ignored my presence, outwardly spoke about how annoyed they were with me (despite me not having done anything), only talked to me to ask me to help them with schoolwork, etc. I still remember one time in class when a girl I was uncomfortable with kept trying to talk to me, I tried to sit away from her by sitting next to another girl I knew - and the girl just glared at me and asked, "Why are you sitting here?" I was so taken back that I couldn't say anything.
(Wow this is turning out to be a rant of all the bad memories I have starting in middle school lol...you may think "Wow, why are you still caring about something that happened in middle school? Everyone was immature then, stop making a big deal out of it" ...but if my memories back then are so vivid that whenever I think about them I feel somewhat bitter, then I think it means a lot in that I was really hurt back then.)
So I guess starting around that time, I had developed a fear of being judged and alone. The fear was strong enough in that I started crying when a girl in high school suddenly started ignoring me for no reason. It might've been a reaction out of a trauma I guess - because the girl in middle school who got pissed at me for refusing to do a favor for her, stopped talking to me altogether the next day. I guess I just really wanted friends I could believe in, who would stay by my side. This was around the first time I fell for a douchebag and had him play around with me even though he had no romantic feelings whatsoever about me. So I guess it was only natural that I started shutting myself off from everyone, and I barely talked to anyone other than my small, close group of friends. I think it got worse when people I started talking to in high school would suddenly start avoiding me and stop talking to me for no reason. I guess they found me annoying and boring? Which is entirely possible because it's only natural for people to not want to associate themselves with you if you fall under that category of "annoying" and "boring" right?
And since I'm just ranting about all these specific bad memories, I might as well include another one for the hell of it. I remember back in high school in Chinese class, I worked with these two girls for a oral presentation, and I don't remember exactly why they were feeling so damn insecure about their grades, because they were ranting at me how I'm such a teacher's pet and how I better not get a better grade than them - "You know your pronounciation sucks right?" Sigh. I was pretty annoyed inside, but I decided not to say anything to their bitter ass words. But those moments were one of the moments that made me lose trust in those two even further. So I guess it was pretty funny when those two started realizing over the years of high school that I'm actually a decent and genuine person, because they started being nicer to me, and even covering up for me when I almost got into trouble for being late to the class.
I think I only became stronger and more independent in...probably junior year of high school. That's probably when I realized these shitty people were not worth my time. Although I still somewhat had feelings for the douchebag, I started having less expectations regarding him. I started talking much less to the girls in my Chinese class, and only spoke when they spoke to me. Senior year was probably the best year of high school hands down. People were actually nice to me!! Wow!! Although there were a few nasty people here and there, the people who were nasty to me in the past actually started covering up for me?? Wow. And my expectations for that douchebag had hit a new low, so that was great. And I finally started to realize how to defend myself, and how to stay away from those who tried to take advantage of me.
But the problem was, because people kept disappointing me, I had shut myself off from them for most of the time period there, and I ended up rarely speaking or socializing. So I was very prone to judging people heavily in the extremes based on my observations, and I became a very passive-aggressive person. So when I came to college, my inability to open up to people and to socialize was still a problem. I was scared of people judging me and stepping over me again like back in high school. And my passive-aggressiveness became an issue and made my relations with my first roommate in college bad.
I eventually realized there was a problem in myself. There was no way people would want to be friends with me or be comfortable around me if I was this passive-aggressive, or if I let this negativity of mine show up. So when I developed this new-found determination to meet new people in the second quarter of my second year, I decided to be as positive as possible - smiling as much as possible, laughing as much as possible, trying to talk as much as possible. Thanks to that, I was able to meet a lot of new people, and all of them were very nice and genuine. The kind of people I was desperate to meet since I was little. As I started associating myself more with them (aka Photo Club!!), I became better at socializing and opening up to people. I was starting to become a better person. I was starting to grow out of my past, and no longer be the negative and passive-aggressive individual I was back then.
But here was the problem. Because I was so obsessed with becoming a better person, I eventually developed a fear of not becoming better. Of being stuck as my negative past self. I also developed a hatred for my past self. My past was holding me back from being able to be happy in the present. Whenever I felt myself not being able to feel included in social situations, I got anxious. Whenever I felt like I couldn't connect with someone I wanted to feel connected to, I got anxious.Whenever I felt like my present self was starting to reflect my past self again, I got anxious.
So when my boyfriend gave me the same advice he gave me earlier about how I can't be scared of opening up when I'm not even making the effort to- it made me feel as if I had made no improvements. I was still the same shitty individual in the past. I think that triggered something in me - and led me to last out at him, and made me realize that I had a fear of not being able to become a better person.
I also realized how ironic of me it was that I had a tendency to jump to conclusions based on negative impressions of people alone. As if I was some perfect god who had such a healthy mindset and had no flaws at all whatsoever. What was even more ironic was when I would see socially awkward and reserved people and judge them negatively - even though I was someone like that before. Why was I so judgemental, when I used to be so afraid of being judged by others? I had wanted people to approach me in a friendly and warm manner and stay with me and not judge me - I was someone who wanted that, so why was I judging people negatively and not striving to be someone who the past me needed so badly?
I am such an ugly, ugly person, and it all stems from my insecurities about me. As long as my insecurities are there, I will continue to be such an ugly person. So I really need to reduce them to a minimum. I don't know how, but I guess as long as I work towards reducing those insecurities, I will be on the right track.
Whew, that was a super long rant. A disorganized one at that, too. But this was for me, and not for anyone else. As long as I feel at least a little bit better after writing all those words, it's okay.
Additional note - as I was thinking back to my past, I thought this song was very fitting for my situation at the time haha, and I probably needed the attitude San E has in this song :P
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